oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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