i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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