If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
