Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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