Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
