So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
pray to the hookup gods
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
