Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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