quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
