GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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