Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
