nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
