and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You pole danced in your parka.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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