I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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