she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
