Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
