Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
