lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
