can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
