Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
