The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am midnight drunk by noon
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
