I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
