I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
