I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
