apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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