Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
