shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
