Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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