At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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