its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
