I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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