my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
