Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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