You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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