Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
