I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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