Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
What a dumb baby whore.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
