Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
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I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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