Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
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I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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