dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
