He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
