So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
