we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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