tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just tell him i said nine months
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
