i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
