So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
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The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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