Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
