I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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