we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
