In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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