You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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