he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
