Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
