I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize