Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Life is so much better after having sex.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
