Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
