so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
