Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
