How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
