Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Randomize
