i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
